Steamiest health care proxy dilemma ever? When last season of Grey’s Anatomy ended Seattle Grace Hospital was hit by a massive storm, leaving Dr. Webber (James Pickens Jr.) electrocuted and barely clinging to life in the basement. (He was attempting to fix the generator. It happens!)

Once they finally find his lifeless body they are faced with either letting him die or doing a very risky procedure that might kill him. Dr. Bailey (Chandra Wilson) and Dr. Yang (Sandra Oh) are at odds over what to do.

“What does his health care directive say about extraordinary measures?” Dr. Hunt (Kevin McKidd) asks the two bickering doctors. They go to a filing room to find Dr. Webber’s paperwork...

Dr. Yang gives it a read and is all “Oh no!” Turns out Dr. Webber named Meredith Grey, of all people, his health care proxy!

Dr. Grey is still recovering from having a baby when she’s handed the advance directive. Dr. Hunt tells her she was named Richard’s medical power of attorney. Meredith is confused. (Big shock, right?)

“But he can’t make me next of kin without talking to me first,” Grey says.

“He did,” says Dr. Bailey, who’s 100-percent in favor of the surgery.

“After Adele died he revised his directive,” Dr. Yang chimes in, who thinks they should hold off on the surgery.

There isn’t much time. The procedure can’t wait. Dr. Yang and Bailey are arguing. Dr. Hunt is getting annoyed. It’s on all Meredith to make the call. “Why wouldn’t he tell me,” Grey asks herself aloud.

“I don’t know,” Dr. Yang says in her matter-of-fact tone. “But he didn’t. So it’s on you. So you have to decide.”

We’re gonna stop there because we refuse to spoil the ending. Feel free to take a break and watch them on Hulu.

We’re just thrilled that Grey’s Anatomy devoted this much time in the two-hour season premiere episode to the health care proxy discussion and advance directives. It may have added drama, passion and really attractive people into the mix, but this is real life

People get very passionate and emotional in these situations, especially if the patient can’t speak for him or herself and say what they want (hence Dr. Yang and Bailey going off on each other). That’s why advance directives (i.e. Living Wills) are so important. Plus, if you’re smart like Dr. Webber, you’ll choose a person who’ll make the right decisions for you and not themselves.

Kudos to Grey’s for shedding light on an important topic. Be like Dr. Webber and choose someone to speak for you when you can’t speak for yourself. Otherwise it’ll just be a bunch of doctors and family members arguing in your hospital room over a simple decision you should have made for yourself. Here’s how you get started. And here's a picture of Dr. Bailey playing with Meredith's cute baby.

We do our best to prepare for natural disasters, but we rarely prepare for the natural disaster awaiting us all: Death. So writes Dr. Ira Byock in his compelling and informative story “Caring Well for One Another Through the End of Life,” which appears in USA Today’s “End of Life Care” supplement.

“Relatively few Americans are sufficiently informed or have taken basic steps to keep themselves and their families safe from harm when dying,” writes Dr. Byock, who is a practicing palliative care physician and author of The Best Care Possible. “Despite decades of efforts and significant improvements in end-of-life care, studies reveal that many Americans still suffer as they die or spend their last days in places or situations they would never have wanted.”

Dr. Ira Byock
Photo Source: Compassionate Care Alliance

He advises people to seek out specialized teams to support you when things get difficult, equating palliative care and hospice programs to the Red Cross and FEMA. “With skillful care and reasonable comfort, a person’s dying can hold opportunities to complete a life, rather than merely have it end.”

Dr. Byock also goes on to stress how important it is to have a conversation with people you trust, telling them what sort of treatment you either want or don’t want. This is where he mentions Everplans and The Conversation Project as websites that “provide valuable resources and forms at no cost.”

The “End of Life Care” supplement, which is currently on newsstands, provides other very interesting and informative stories about hospice care myths, how Hall of Fame quarterback Boomer Esiason became a life insurance advocate after losing his mother at an early age, and a look at the legacy of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ iconic work “On Death and Dying." Oh, and the new season of Homeland starts this weekend so don't forget to set those DVRs!

Our friend Kathy Kastner of has put together a very down-to-earth and helpful video series dealing with the great beyond. Here’s one of the clips:

What started as an experiment, and a way to test a new video camera, blossomed into an open and honest [5-part video series] featuring a diverse group of friends comfortably confronting their thoughts, worries and concerns when it comes to talking about death.

Just like [Death Over Dinner], Death Cafe and The Conversation Project, Kathy is yet another positive force in the ongoing movement to chat up death in a casual setting. Keep up the good work!

Via Best Endings

At my birthday dinner last night, I was reminded by my (older) friend that at 29, I should realize how I’m “getting up there.” Although I know he was just trying to get a rise out of me, I couldn’t help but become fixated on aging. Time does fly.

I still get carded, wear boy's Converses, am petrified of spiders, and the concept of diapers grosses me out; I don’t consider myself old. At the same time, I realize my arbitrary immature aspects do not save me from the inevitable aging process. Yes, I’m an adult.

Now, here’s where my ramblings affect you, dear reader. I cannot help but think: No matter how old we are, we’ll never admit that we fall into the “old” category. Although age is “just a number,” maybe it is a number we should address and accept.

Not included on chart: When you need to look at charts to see if you're old.
Source: Pew Research Center

Although as the Funeral Guru, I am constantly thinking about death, my thoughts are even more focused today. I suggest that maybe we should use our BIRTHdays as a reminder of our limited time, but not in a morbid way. Perhaps, we should take a bit of time out of our fun-filled day to celebrate our lives and make wills or get life insurance.

Or, maybe we should do what we always say we will do… put it off until tomorrow…

Death + Dinner = Delicious. Bloomberg Media recently highlighted the “death dinners,” which recently collaborated with Everplans, in an effort to get people to discuss end-of-life plans while they’re healthy...and hungry.

Let’s Have Dinner and Talk About Death” has facilitated hundreds of these not-so morbid meals. The site offers a simple multiple choice questionnaire helping people choose attendees (parents, friends, co-workers...), clarify their talking points (“I have recently lost someone very close to me…”), a list of article/video/podcast resources, and a helpful activation email that allows you to get the party started.

Everplans teamed with and created a helpful workbook so death dinner survivors could turn their talk into action after the evening was over.

The Bloomberg article also includes a video and nifty infographic labeling America a “Death-Denying Society," part of which focuses on cremation and funeral costs:

The graphic goes on to explain how “end-of-life care decisions, medical intervention and burial wishes are topics that most baby boomers would rather ignore. However, with a 32 percent increase in the number of people dying in the U.S. by 2030, it will force countless decisions on how we die.” Not such a yummy statistic, but this is something and Everplans are working to correct, one placesetting at a time.

As a general rule, it’s safe to assume that if you use a reputable crematory the ashes in your possession belong to your loved one. If you’re still skeptical, here are some of the strict protocols they follow:


When the body is picked up it’s ID’ed and “tagged” (i.e. toe tag). This includes the name and date-of-birth of the person. (Personal note: At the funeral home I used to worked for we used ankle bracelets.) Every time the body moves locations the tag is checked. This is not an act that is brushed over or taken lightly. Before the body is put into the oven, the tags are checked a final time.


Before the body goes into the oven, a stainless steel disk around the size of a quarter with a unique number is placed with it. That number is then recorded on the paperwork of the deceased. Since the disk doesn’t melt, it will remain in tact with the ashes that you receive. If you’re really set on IDing the cremains, you could sift through the ashes and find the remaining disk. Not the best way to spend an afternoon, but whatever gives you closure is fine with me.


If you plan in advance, most crematories will allow you to watch the event take place. In some cultures, this is quite normal. If, however, you are uncomfortable with this, please do not feel obligated to do so.

USA Today offers up a long story, at least by USA Today standards,  called "Knowing when you need life insurance."  No big revelations, but the accompanying video is what caught our eye. 

Summary: If you're unattached without kids, you don't need it. If you've got anyone depending on you, you need it. Money writer Hadley Malcolm succinctly explains who needs life insurance and the basics on how to get it...

Our favorite, non-educational part of the video is when Malcolm explains why some people can't get life insurance due to health issues or because they don't want to take a medical exam. Here's the photo they use to drive the point home...


In short: Unhealthly or unwilling to comply with medical tests = Sad woman clutching a cat. From the look of things, the cat is clearly not amused by this generalization.


Photo: Pia Interlandi

Although I’m completely ok with pre-arranging my own funeral, there is one decision I cannot make, what should I wear?!?!?!

Fortunately, answered my question.

It seems like Pia Interlandi’s Garments for the Grave were made for me. They are biodegradable like a Jewish shroud, which would make half of my family happy. All my friends would respect the fashionable aspect. And, I would win points with the local embalmer by making it easy for him to dress me.

Finally, as an indecisive Libra who changes her clothes multiple times a day, I would be thrilled to just have the decision made. Now, just a final question remains… Which one?!?!

Now you can with the Demeter Funeral Home perfume. I’m not kidding. This is real.

When I worked in a funeral home, I used to spray an extra spritz of my go-to perfume, Channel #5, onto my wrist. When the terrible smells of the funeral home became too unbearable, I’d lift my wrist to my nose and enjoy the ylang ylang-scented moment’s reprieve. No matter how clean a funeral home is, the smell of rotting lilies and bodies inevitably permeates the air. Getting accustomed to it is a form of indoctrination.

Having fought the battle and taken the extra few hundred showers to get the scent off me at night, I still cringe when I smell lilies. The last thing in the world I would ever want is to purposely recreate this scent. But I must be in the minority because now there’s Demeter Funeral Home fragrance. Here’s how they describe it:

...a blend of classic white flowers: lilies, carnations, gladiolus, chrysanthemums with stems and leaves, with a hint of mahogany and oriental carpet.

This has got to be a gag gift for the goth in your life. Or else I’m seriously out of touch with the mainstream. Shockingly, this perfume gets positive reviews! I would love to hear why people like smelling like decomposition.

I sat down to write this blog as a timeline; I thought it might be helpful to organize my thoughts so you’d be able to fully understand the complexity of the situation. As I started to type, however, a big issue arose… I just don’t remember everything that clearly. The 24-hours before my late dad’s birthday are a blur. My coping method of choice is repression and over the years I’ve become a true master.

I opt for repression, my mother chooses stoicism and my brother just wants everyone to be happy. We were not strong enough to accept the shitty reality none of us admitted: We were still grieving and desperately in need of each other’s love and support. We all very much wanted the same thing--to be together--yet none of us said anything.

Fast forward, the waterworks started at 7:30 am the next day. They were not the feminine tears that gracefully glide down my cheek and leave my eyes a few shades lighter (I always found that attractive and thought of it as the silver lining to crying). These tears, however, were the ones that come from deep down. There is no perk to these; I am left with a swollen pink nose and the deep realization that my dad is gone.

The next three hours were not pretty. I cried. I cried a lot. I replayed memories in my head; I cried because I longed for more of the good and I cried because I hated that dad suffered and died. I cried. I canceled all appointments that day (even joyous ones that I was looking forward to) and I cried some more.

With sobbing on hiatus, I confessed to my mom and brother that I needed to be with them; I convinced them we all needed each other. We all changed plans and spent the rest of the day together. The tears were replaced with smiles. I may have lost my incredible and irreplaceable father, but I am so fortunate to still have two unbelievably supportive and loving family members.

I didn’t think September 13th was going to be so hard for me. I think about my dad everyday, why would one calendar day make a difference? I told myself that it’s been seven years and I should be “better” by now. The thing is, it happens. Maybe it’s not your loved one’s birthday, could be the anniversary of his death, a holiday, or any significant random day; it hits and it hurts. These events are going to come up multiple times a year and we must find a way to cope in a healthy way.

What do we learn from these rough times? It may have been my dad’s birthday but he’s the one who gave me a present; I accept reality; I still have a family whom I can depend on and compassionate friends who want to help me. I suggest to all of you that you honestly vocalize your feelings and ask for the support when you need it--you have no idea what a difference it will make.

So, now, without tears, I can wish my father a belated very happy birthday. Rest in peace, Daddy.